Do you fully understand what it means to be a husband? What is expected of you, your role? I know I do not know what my role as a wife is. I certainly did not have a role model in either of those areas. What I learned was to nag you, undermine you, and assume you are in the wrong. I learned to ignore your needs and always fulfill mine. I learned to humiliate you, to unman you, to go for days hardly talking to you.
I thought that by recognizing these negative behaviors in my role models I would not repeat them. Well that was foolish of me, because I did not know what the alternative behaviors were.
In this area I need a lot of help. I need to find a way to stop telling you what to do, to stop nagging you, and to stop checking up on you to see if you have done everything correctly.
I have been trying to figure out why I behave this way. I don't want to be driving. I know you will get me were I need to be so why can't I just relax and let you do it? I think it is a lack of trust and respect on my part. I need to learn complete and total trust in you. I am so sorry I have not trusted you. I am so sorry I have been a back-seat driver in your life. I want to change. For you, for me, for us.
It's not that I have no trust in you, and it's not that I do not respect you as a person: it's something deeper than that. Something buried very deep.
On the day we were married you said you had an overwhelming urge to protect me. Just as your instincts tell you to protect, mine give me an overwhelming urge to be protected by you. This means that if I am, as it were, being attacked by a wild animal, I trust with my very life that your spear arm is strong and true.
These are ancient instincts. There are no wild animals now, but I still crave your protection and you crave to give it. You have told me many times that you are old-fashioned in your beliefs. I think I was wrong to tell you to try not to be that way. To do that would be to fight very powerful and perfectly normal drives.
I have my own personal demons that I fight, but you are my husband and I want you to fight for me so that I feel safe. In a sense I want you to protect me from my worst enemy, myself. I struggle with my intellectual side and I feel scared, vulnerable, confused; and all the while my inner cave woman wants you to come and protect me from the chaos. In this primitive part of my mind the trust and respect isn't always there. This is what I think causes some of my negative behavior.
When I back-seat drive I am pushing your buttons, needling you, questioning your methods and trying to provoke you to do something about it. I do not do this consciously: at the time I just feel anxious and irritable. Only after considerable contemplation do I see that this is what is actually happening.
What are possible solutions? We have both agreed that some structure is needed, and I think you might need to use physical discipline to enforce your control sometimes. This is going to be a mass undertaking. It will take a long time to get right. We will make mistakes and we'll have to rethink and rearrange a lot, so we need to think of this as a work in progress and try not to get discouraged.
I want you to be in charge. I am giving you consent to act apparently non-consensually when you think it necessary. By giving you this permission I am showing that I have confidence in you. I am showing that I totally and completely trust that you will do the right thing for our relationship. This will be you protecting me from harm in the most intimate possible way. In this way you will be honoring those feelings you experienced on our wedding day.
This is a way to satisfy your dominant inner caveman. You will be providing love and comfort in what I hope is a most satisfying way for both of us. I realize that this is a huge responsibility that I am putting on you. Can you do it? It will only work if I trust that you can, I know.
To trust you in this manner will be incredibly challenging for me. I have never really learned to truly trust anyone. All the things that were supposed to be stable in my life were not. But I love you so much that I want to give you back what I have taken from you. I hope that this will boost your self-esteem and make you feel more confident and successful. I hope that it will make you feel like the man you are – like the man who, on his wedding day, told his new bride of his overwhelming desire to protect her.
Leea's letter to her husband took a great deal of courage as well as insight to write. Women tend to let men figure it out on their own. Leea wisely chose to share her desires at a time in which men sometimes have great difficulty in figuring out what women want.
In this day and age, trust in another is most difficult to acquire. It takes a commitment beyond that normally found in relationships formed in a society based more on competition than cooperation.
Yet, it is those trusting relationships – those in which trust is two-way street – that last and grow stronger.
I want to say thank you for the nice comments. I do not feel very courageous though. I haven't actually shown this letter to my husband. I have said parts of it to him. Last night he was criticizing punishment spanking and then asked if thats what I wanted and I said no. I just don't know what I do want any more.
Just start letting him protect you. Start letting him do things without second guessing him. That doesn't mean you can't have input and express concerns but don't nag and don't express your input in a put down. There are ways to be supportive without making the guy feel like an idiot. I'm the driving force around here and yet my husband does not feel put down by that. He feels supported. He's glad he has a smart "woman behind the man"
You can do this too.
Btw if he is against punishment spanking then if you really want his guidance and for him to take the lead, then obey his wishes. Sorry ladies, but I feel that when you go about pushing your man into spanking you you aren't giving up the control. You're taking it!
Yes, I can see that there is a certain absurdity in the idea of wanting a man to be in charge and then dictating to him the methods he should use, but what can you do in that situation? It would never have occured to my husband to take control if I hadn't told him, in so many words, that it was what I wanted him to do.
Poor darling, you should have seen the look on his face that day I turned the TV off and said to him 'I think I really need to talk to you about things' It's not the kind of thing we normally say to each other, and all the colour drained from his face "Are you leaving me?" he asked, looking absolutely horror-struck.
I didn't think he would be able to cope with the dominance thing, not because I didn't think he could be assertive enough (he can be assertive enough for ten) but simply because I didn't think he'd be able to take it seriously enough to make it work. As it turned out, I was quite wrong about this, happily for both of us. But the point is it was I who made the initial move, and told him what it was that I wanted. It's not something that would have occured to him to suggest for himself. He'd always let me do more or less exactly as I liked, because I think he was afraid of losing me if he didn't.
It's only very recently that I realised that I didn't want him to let me do exactly as I liked, but that I wanted him to make me do as HE liked, and that I actually find this more satisfying and pleasurable. I was quite surprised by how easily he seemed to take to doing this, and how he seemed to know instinctively how to make it work. Leea's husband seems, from what I can make out from her postings, to be much more reluctant and not that keen on the idea, so I don't quite see what she can do other than push it a bit.
I'm not sure what you do if you're already married to a man who isn't interested. As I'm not quite clear how important it is to Leea, I don't know how well she can cope without it. I don't know whether you can turn a non-spanker inot a spanker, it's not something I've ever tried myself, if a man didn't seem to be interested I tended to just give up on him and move on. But if you're married to him that's not a very satisfactory option, better perhaps to do a bit of steering yourself.